inside the Embryo

Wild Gone Wild

Timing- it’s everything. The bloody nick on your cheek as a result of a careless shave, the extra nuzzle you squeeze in for the puppy before you leave for work, a fart, every tiny moment is a falling domino directing you towards an event that can very well change your life, or at the very least create a lasting memory.

Who knew that the deuce that I dropped in a KFC bathroom on the way to the zoo would eventually make me an official witness to wild and unabashed monkey porn?

The day was already pleasant enough. The animals weren’t shy on the guided bus tour. We caught the giraffes in the middle of a nice family supper. A warm cup of coffee kept us company as we waited in line to see the giant pandas. But nothing would prepare us for the impromptu peep show we were about to behold on the unforgettable Orangutan Trail.

When we arrived, the giant face of an insecure orangutan was pressed against the glass. He was looking into his reflection, grooming himself for the audience that was growing as we approached. Even this simple gesture was enough to earn our full attention.

However, his fifteen seconds of fame were exactly that. The spotlight was snatched away when a smaller and spunkier orangutan tumbled in from God knows where, leaping from branch to branch, cart-wheeling crazily across the grass. Caroline and I knew right away, that this was the man to follow.

After a couple more acts of flashy acrobatics, he stopped and spotted another orangutan basking in the San Diego sun, completely innocent, with its big beautiful bottom fully exposed.

He made no hesitation, swung on a vine, and mounted his prey. They did it doggy style. The rape victim tried to limp away, but nothing was going to stop the rapist and his mad sexual rampage. He pulled his prey back by the legs and continued the anal assault.

It was an X-Rated show for a G-Rated audience.

The kids squirmed and giggled, “EWWWWWW!”

The butt of the affair finally got away, but our porn star was unsatisfied. He lied right on his back, right against the glass, and started jerking away at his little monkey dick.

“EWWWWW,” screamed the immature ones, as I struggled to find a good angle for the video. As if the show wasn’t obscene enough, he stops for a moment, sniffs his fingers, and licks them.

“EWWWWWW!!”

Of course, we weren’t the only ones amused by this explicit display of sexual gratification. Soon after, a bigger and stronger orangutan hobbles over to the rapist. What happened next almost floored me. He bends down and gets a good grip on the masturbator’s crotch, and once he gets a good amount of monkey cum on his fingers, he smells and licks.

“EWWWWWW!!”

From this moment on, I knew: this was the best trip to the zoo ever. The rapist-turned-victim grabs a vine and makes a futile attempt to escape, but the bigger one is on a mission. He plucks him off the vine like a piece of fruit. With his powerful arms he pins his prey down to the ground, pries open its legs, and smothers his face in between.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!”

One kid observed inquisitively, “Daddy, how do you know they aren’t wrestling?”

Daddy had no reply. Speechless, just like the rest of us.

Through the Looking Glass.

I heard voices downstairs so I went there to check out the commotion. A party was going on, but not one I expected. Yes, my sister was there, and so were a couple of her friends. Party guests I did not at all expect were three very old ladies, white ones with really white hair and really wrinkly skin, each wearing a sparkly party hat. Even the celebrant was a shock: a little blonde girl who was turning sixteen. I admit she was beautiful, reminiscent of the lovely AnnaSophia Robb. Then for some reason I was reminded of my fishes. I didn’t even know I had fish, and yet in the reality of my dream, I did.

I went over to the fish bowl, which I knew in the reality of my dream was located on the fireplace mantle, like always. There must have been twenty fishes in there, and all but one or two were belly up! For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to slurp some of the fish bowl water and spit it back inside as a means to resuscitate the ones who still had a fighting chance, stupidly ignoring the moss and algae that had built up inside the murky dead fish water. Once I got to the bathroom to dump the carcasses into the toilet, I felt a stinging in my mouth. I started hocking up giant blobs of greenish yellow mucus. I looked at my face, which was already starting to turn a pale green. Then my whole face started to distort like a Picasso painting (or a Mac Book photo booth session, quite like the one I had last night with Len and Jackie).

The strange occurrence was soon interrupted by the crash of thunder. I ran to a window and sure enough a storm was in full effect. It wasn’t the storm that frightened me, however. A giant palm tree across the street strangely resembled a great dragon, and its giant reptilian head seemed to roar at me with every rumble of thunder. Soon the dragon took full form, and marched right out into the street, gnashing its ugly teeth, whipping its ugly tail, causing a commotion for unsuspecting traffic. Before it could get to my window, my attention was directed towards faint laughter behind me. I had forgotten all about the birthday party.

When I went back into the living room, the whole thing had transformed into a giant indoor playground, much like DZ the Discovery Zone, if you can remember that far back. I thought it would be a great idea to video tape the entirety of the obstacle course with a digital camera. Had this not been a dream, this would have made a hit on YouTube for sure. I was running through rickety bridges, flipping into foam pits, sliding head first into slides, swinging on ropes, sliding down spirally fireman poles. Music echoed off the walls of the great hall, no doubt the music provided by my iTunes while I sleep. At the end of the video, I jumped to the very top of a rope and swayed eerily, creating the impression of a hanging body. I thought this would make for a nice theatrical touch, no doubt inspired by Lady GaGa’s dramatic and thoroughly entertaining VMA performance of “Papa… Paparazzi.” It went perfect with the song that was playing at the time, a somber one from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. As the video drew to an end, so did my dream.

The moral of this pointless story? Don’t drink dead fish bowl water. That did not taste very good.

Magical Fantasy, Gotta Have Her

Get your mind out of the gutter! That’s not what I think about before I sleep. Although it would make for one snazzy porn flick title, those are actually the names of the horses I chose to win big at the Del Mar Fairgrounds… Don’t get too excited. I have low standards. Coming up 25 bones after placing a 2 dollar bet is my definition of winning big.

It was Race #8, and I did a $1 Exacta Box on #3 and #7… For you common folk out there, that means I bet 2 bucks for both “Magical Fantasy” and “Gotta Have Her” to place 1st and 2nd in no particular order. Gotta Have Her was looking good out there, but Magical was straggling behind the whole way through, down to the very end. I had almost lost all hope when I heard it: “Number 3 got first place!” My heart stopped. Who got second?? Horse Number 7. WTF??

I must’ve done a quadruple take before it finally settled in: I won.

After a delicious Turkey Avocado Sandwich, a few beers, and of course my 25 dollar winnings, I was feeling pretty good. Needless to say, it didn’t take much work for the guys to convince me to join their weekly poker session. I was nervous. I was playing with the big boys! I was faring pretty well from the get go. Dirty Pop got knocked out the first hand, so just four more to go… Then another got knocked out! And another!! And somehow, I was still hanging on. Next thing you know, I’m going head to head with the Chip Leader, Big John Stud. Second place is cool I get my five bucks back. Time to go home. Then I hear him say the words… “ALL IN.” I landed a Full House on the Turn… “CALL.”

I must’ve done a quadruple take before it finally settled in: I won.

Like I said, big for me means dropping 5 bones to come up 20. I played another round and made it to top 3, but in the end, I had to be content with only winning the 20. And I was very content. That was so intense, I almost pissed my pants.

I knew it from the moment the Holy Communion tasted like Honey Oat, that this day was going to be special. The kind of day Ice Cube would write a rap song about. Broken Yolk Brunch and Pomegranate Mimosas; Magical Fantasy, Gotta Have Her; beer and laughs; ABDC; $45 winnings; fun times with fun people.

I gotta say, today was a good day.

A Little More

Performed by P-Noize

Written by Neil-Denny

(Chorus)

Ooh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Baby lemme get a little more

Ohh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Baby lemme get a little more

(Verse 1)

As I step into the room

I don’t know what to do

I feel the bass go

BOOM BOOM BOOM

BOOM BOOM BOOM…

I see it in your eyes

As I slip between your thighs

We’re grinding and unwinding ‘til the sunrise…

(Bridge)

All of the things you’re doing

Just feel so right

But there’s one thing that I need…

It’s YOU!

(Chorus)

A little more

Ooh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Baby lemme get a little more

Ooh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Ooh… A little more

Baby lemme get a little more…

(Chorus 2)

As we sneak into your room

You know just what to do

I feel my heart go

BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM

We get between the sheets

There’s no need to be discreet

I love the way your body’s turning up the heat

(Bridge)

All of the things you’re doing

Just feel so right

But there’s one thing that I need…

It’s YOU!

(Chorus)
A little more…

Ooh… A little more…

Ooh… A little more…

Baby lemme get a little more…

Ooh… A little more…

Ooh… A little more…

Ooh… A little more…

Baby lemme get a little more…

(Dance Break)

(Bridge)

(Chorus x3)

(500) Thumbs Up for Days of Summer

*** 1/2*

An opening disclaimer sets the tone for the rest of the movie: ironic and so true. The movie is fun, frustrating, simple, difficult, triumphant, and depressing, much like the nature of any loving relationship. (500) Days of Summer is a traditional love story told in a nontraditional fashion, combining and contrasting over-the-top fantasy with harsh reality. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy loves girl, girl doesn’t love boy because her divorced parents destroyed the very idea of true love sending the boy into a downward spiral of sorrow and recklessness.

Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is an aspiring architect that writes greeting cards for a living. Of course, he has an even greater aspiration to one day find true love, a curse and a blessing that was embedded in his innocent mind after watching “The Graduate” at a young and tender age. His life changes completely when a new Executive Assistant joins the office: Summer Finn (the beautiful Zooey Deschanel), and she’s like a modern-day Audrey Hepburn. Who wouldn’t fall in love with an Audrey Hepburn? A drunken office karaoke session and a long-awaited kiss later, Tom and Summer Finn are goofing off and holding hands at an IKEA. (Aww, Tom and Finn. How cute.)

Their relationship is reminiscent of Joel and Clementine from “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.” Like Eternal, their story is told nonlinearly. We ping-pong between different stages of their relationship, from Day (1) to Day (500), revealing both the beauty and the tragedy of Tom’s pursuit to win Summer Finn.

The difference is, Tom doesn’t have a machine to erase any trace of Summer, but must instead live with the pain that scarred him so deeply. What Tom does have is a great support system: two close buddies who care for him sincerely but have no clue how to handle this unhealthy situation, and a kid sister who happens to say all the right things.

Gordon-Levitt and Deschanel are perfect in this movie. He is tossed around both emotionally and physically, from extreme highs to terrible lows, and if you don’t cheer for him, then you have no heart. She just owns the screen, and everything about her makes it easy to see why a guy would spend (500) days pining for this woman.

There are some amazing moments in this movie, beyond the content. Like Eternal’s Michel Gondry, Director Marc Webb started his career making music videos (“All That I’ve Got” by The Used and “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by MCR, amongst other countless greats). It’s no wonder why his feature film debut is as artistic and as entertaining as it truly is. This is Day (1) of a film career that is no doubt going to be an enjoyable one to watch.

Stupid Twitter.

Makes blogging seem so unnecessary and time-consuming…

See? I could’ve just tweeted this.