Happy Birthday, Johnny!
I kid you not dear friends. Today, June 9, 2008 marks the 45th birthday of the man with the scissor-hands, that cutthroat barber with the blood-stained blade and a singing voice to boot, the man of every woman’s dreams and every man’s man-crush, that rascally rum-swigging Captain of the seven seas himself, Johnny Christopher Depp.
Yes, it’s true, folks. Celestial bodies and cosmic forces worked collectively to bestow upon me the same birthstone as good old Johnny D. Sure my sisters also share that bragging right but my birthday’s closer so I win. Why do I win? ‘Cause I win! But I digress.
To commemorate these 45 years of greatness, I have made out a list of my top nine favorite Johnny Depp movie roles of all time. I would make a Top 45 list but he hasn’t played 45 different roles just yet. I would have made a Top Ten list but that’s too ordinary. And Johnny is completely out of the ordinary. Nine just seems like a fitting number: today is the ninth; the only movie with a number in it is the Ninth Gate (21 Jump Street doesn’t count); 4 plus 5 is nine; there’s nine letters in “Johnny Depp” (If you take out one of the silent letters); the list can go on.
So without further ado, I bring you my top nine Johnny’s of all time.
9. Sam, Benny & Joon, 1993, The first Johnny on my list was a tough decision. I originally wanted to start with the one that started it all, his role as the rebellious love interest in Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, but it was his classic rendition of Charlie Chaplin’s potato dance in Benny and Joon that ultimately won me over. Strangely enough, Johnny is neither Benny nor Joon but an eccentric by the name of Sam, who Benny agrees to take in after a poker game. Eccentricity is what Johnny does best.
8. Gilbert Grape, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, 1993, Johnny’s versatility really comes through when he plays the frustrated older brother of a mentally retarded Leonardo DiCaprio that same year. As Gilbert Grape, we get a taste of the insane range of emotions Johnny can exhibit both convincingly and almost effortlessly.
7. Mort Rainey, Secret Window, 2004, Paranoia in the purest form. His gripping performance as the reclusive, tormented writer is enough to drive you mad.
6. Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 1998, Speaking of madness and paranoia, nothing says insanity like Johnny and Benicio Del Toro on coke, weed, ether, acid and wild turkey stumbling aimlessly around Circus-Circus in the film adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s masterpiece.
5. Ed Wood, Ed Wood, 1994, You can’t help but be drawn to his bizarre role as the true life cross-dressing, b-movie director, Ed Wood, who has been proclaimed “The Worst Director of All Time”.
4. Sweeney Todd, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, 2007, In Johnny’s darkest role to date, he can slit throats and carry a tune with flawless precision. You are both sympathetic and horrified by Johnny’s Oscar-nomainated performance as barber with a vengeance.
3. Sir James Matthew Barrie, Finding Neverland, 2004, You get the full Johnny package in his second Oscar-nominated performance as the genius who created Neverland. No Johnny didn’t play Michael Jackson, at least not yet anyway. But he did play a man who was also constantly accused of pedophelia, the imaginative, passionate, and yes, eccentric playwright who was the visionary behind the timeless tale of Peter Pan.
2. Edward, Edward Scissorhands, 1990, Keeping dialog to a minimum, his distinctive body movement and hilarious facial expressions were enough to cut a lasting gash, deep into our hearts in Johnny’s breakthrough performance as the creepy man with scissors for hands.
1. Commander Spencer Armacost, The Astronaut’s Wife, 1999… NOT! Although his role as the spaced-out astronaut was no doubt a chilling crowd pleaser, the number one Johnny of course goes to another commander, the commander of the Black Pearl… Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean, 2003, 2006, 2007, 20??, the very moment I laid eyes on the stinky eye-line-bearing buccaneer, during that unforgettable moment he held on to the mast of his sinking dingy at the dock of Port Royal, I knew in my heart that Captain Jack Sparrow was pure gold. I would say Aztec Gold, but if I used any of that then there’d be a blood debt to be paid. Of course the movie roles mentioned above are without a doubt equally golden. But it was this drunken scallywag that solidified Johnny as a living legend on the screen and in our hearts. I still cry myself to sleep knowing he didn’t win the Oscar that year. But who needs Oscar when you got Johnny himself, popping out of a barrel at an e-ticket Disneyland ride forever and ever.
