Work, Huh?
Not many people know what I do.
By day I work with pee, at a urine drug testing lab. Most of the pee I work with comes from the elderly, old men and women, many of them dying, who need to be tested in an effort to ensure they are taking the right dosage of medication. Many times, the patients we get, even the really old ones, are taking drugs beyond the prescription: heroin, cocaine, opiates, methamphetamines, all of the above. Certain drugs can turn pee crazy colors so I’ve seen some pretty blues, reds, and greens during my time there. Then again, some of the pretty ones are just farce, desperate druggies trying to pass off dishwasher soap as their own urine. We also get some real nasty ones, doo doo browns and period reds, or gooey ones with the viscosity of bacon grease.
We get up to 4000 specimens in the morning, all of which needs to be processed that same night. I help prepare the samples to be tested, whilst avoiding cross-contamination, then I go to a computer lab to make sure that every letter and digit in the patient’s demographic information is entered accurately. One fuckup can ruin a poor old lady’s life. If a doctor thinks she’s smoking crack based on our results, even if she’s never touched the drug in her life, the doctor can choose to end all treatment, leaving someone’s grandma left for dead.
Sure it sounds dull, but the work serves a noble purpose. Plus, it’s not without the random outburst of Usher’s OMG when it gets dead in the lab, or the occasional recitation of a Bloodsport scene: “What the hell’s a dimac?” Fridays we get to wear jeans and things get really ridiculous.
By night, I work with Coronita, my guitar, short for “Coronita, mi corazon, la guitara de la luna y las luces en la noche.” When I’m done helping my people physically, I help them spiritually, through the power of my music.
My ten year reunion’s coming up. It’s been ten years, Neil. What have you done?
I’m saving lives, bitch.
